Some Thoughts about Resolving Difficult Conflicts

Five things you can do although you might not like doing them

We learn from our parents and teachers early in life that many conflicts can be resolved in simple ways:

·      Apologize for your part in it

·      Offer a fair exchange

·      Take a step back and see if it blows over.

All of these actions can be useful and often are enough to get things back on track in a work or personal relationship. But some conflicts persist and become entrenched, leading to dysfunctional relationships and personal stress. If you find yourself engaged in an ongoing conflict, whether it is open or under the surface, consider these non-intuitive approaches:

1. Stop thinking about how the conflict started; instead, think about how it continues. We often search for the cause of a conflict and believe that if we can fix that problem, the conflict will be resolved. However, once a conflict becomes chronic, attempts to resolve it become part of the conflict system and may elicit a predictable and unproductive response. This typically leads to avoidance and/or escalation. Observe any patterns in your own behavior and disrupt them.

2. Notice what you do each time the conflict flares up. More than likely, the other will respond in a similarly predictable way. The next time it occurs, don’t do the same thing, even if you believe it’s the best approach. Do something unexpected – even the opposite of what you usually do or say. This stops the predictable script and requires something different in the way of a response from the other.

3. Before you respond to the person with whom you have a conflict, summarize their point, issue, or feeling in a neutral way. Check to see if they agree that you understand correctly before you go on. If the other repeats him or herself or speaks for a long time, interrupt them for the purpose of checking your understanding only – then ask a question to guide the conversation in a productive direction – for example, ask what they would need from you in order to resolve the issue. This may lead to a negotiated agreement.

4. At a time when the conflict isn’t active, ask the other person to give you some feedback about how you are responding to his or her concerns. Listen actively and summarize their points, but don’t defend or explain. Instead, thank them for the feedback and disengage. Reflect on what you have learned about the other’s needs, tangible or intangible. When you meet again, summarize the other’s issues with you before you suggest any solutions. Make sure your proposals meet the underlying needs of the other person as well as your own.

5. Reframe the other’s position in a way that makes them sound intelligent, trustworthy, and honest (even if you don’t believe that to be the case.) You don’t need to agree with the reframed statement, but it should be one you can respect. Although it’s tempting to try to show someone just how stupid or wrong their suggestions or positions are, most people will simply hold more tightly to those opinions when they feel attacked. However, people will often accept a positive interpretation of their words, even if that is somewhat different from their original intent. Typically, people enjoy getting approval and if not pushed to defend their position may shift it.

Considering conflict as a problem to be solved rather than simply disruption and aggravation means you will be more curious and flexible and less likely to blame the other or stop trying for a solution.

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